The Marriage Charge

On November 19, 2016, I had the privilege of delivering the charge at the marriage of my nephew, Felix Beneby, to Aneka Rolle at St. Agnes Anglican Church in Nassau, The Bahamas. I want to share that charge with those of you who are thinking of marriage in this month of love and those of you who are already married.

Felix and Aneka, the marriage you have entered into today is not just for yourself and it is not just for your physical enjoyment.

Your marriage is for the glory of God, the strengthening of your community, and the continuation of God’s new society.

Marriage for the Glory of God

Marriage is God’s image on earth of Christ’s love for His church; His love for the new human race of which Jesus is the head. So whether you want it to be or not, your marriage will be a picture to the world of how Jesus Christ loves and cares for His people. This is a serious responsibility.

Paul tells us just how serious it is in Ephesians 5:25-33:

 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Take your responsibility seriously, for your good and for the glory of God.

Marriage for Strong Communities

You are entering marriage with the intention of building a strong relationship and building a strong family. A strong marriage produces strong families. Strong families produce strong communities. Strong communities produce strong nations. By your marriage, you can make Bahamaland a better and stronger nation. But only if your marriage is a marriage based on the five principles of Christian marriage. Let me remind you of what they are: monogamy; permanency; mutuality; fidelity; and love.

Monogamy means there is one man and one woman in your marriage. There is no room for a “sweetheart.” I will say a bit more about this later.

Permanency means you will be married until death alone parts you. This is God’s will for you. What God has called for, He has provided for by His Spirit. Do not let the hardness of your heart interfere with God’s healing and restorative power in your marriage.

Mutuality means that you will always seek the highest good for both of you. Mutuality is true love, love that does not dishonor each other. Love that is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Mutuality does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Mutual love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Mutuality means that you don’t act on gossip about one another—you might believe the gossip, but you don’t act on it! Pray for wisdom. Don’t put “the boys” or your “BFF” before your wife or husband. Don’t make decisions based on what is best for your in-laws even. You two seek the highest good for both of you.

Fidelity means that you are faithful to each other in all things. There was a time when people could only cheat in person; now people are sweethearting out of this world! They are having extramarital relationships in cyberspace, and having cybersex too! Be faithful to each other in all things and in all ways. If your wife or husband cannot be on your Facebook page or have access to it, shut it down.

Be faithful to each other in your finances.

Be faithful to each other with your time.

Be faithful to each other with your confidences. What husband and wife say where their head rests on the pillow remains between husband and wife.

Be faithful in your praises and encouragements; build up one another; never tear down one another, whether in public or in private.

The fifth principle is love. Love is that persistent, unbreakable spirit of goodwill you have toward each other. Love one another, even as Christ loves His church. Jesus Christ does not love us because we are perfect, without fault and beautiful; Jesus loves us because we belong to Him. Your wife belongs to you; she is your own body: Love your body. Your husband belongs to you; he is your own body: Love your body. When your body upsets you, becomes sick, grows old, is not as attractive as it is today, love your body.

Marriage is not a contract

There is one more important understanding about marriage I want to leave with you today. Listen carefully: If you practice these five principles—monogamy, permanence, mutuality, fidelity, and love—in your marriage but you run your marriage like it’s a contract and not a covenant, you will have a rough road ahead. Here’s why.

Marriage is not a contract; marriage is a covenant. Marriage was designed to be a covenant relationship.

There’s a big difference between the two. And I think it is important for married couples, young and old, to know the difference and then to make a conscious decision as to what kind of marriage you want.

·         A contract is built on distrust. A covenant is built on trust.

·         A contract is based on management. A covenant is based on submission.

·         A contract lists rules and laws with consequences. A covenant joyfully serves with grace.

·         A contract is fearful. A covenant is faithful.

·         A contract operates with the assumption that it can be broken. A covenant operates with the assumption that it is eternal.

Let me try to illustrate for you some of the differences between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage.

The contractual marriage says: I take thee for me.

The covenant marriage says: I give myself to thee.

The contractual marriage says:  You had better do it!
The covenant marriage says:  How may I serve you?
The contractual marriage asks:  What do I get?
The covenant marriage asks: What can I give?

The contractual marriage says:  I’ll meet you halfway (‘cause dis a 50-50 relationship!).
The covenant marriage says: I’ll give you 100% plus.

The contractual marriage says: I have to
The covenant marriage says: I want to

A Christian marriage should function as a covenant.

Felix and Aneka, how do you want your marriage to work? Like a contract or a covenant?

If you conduct your marriage like a covenant and practice the five principles of monogamy, permanence, mutuality, fidelity, and love in your covenant marriage, you—and the fruits of your marriage—will bring glory to God, strengthen your community, and make The Bahamas a better place to live.

Personal Reflection

Let me leave you with this personal reflection. My father—the first Bishop Beneby—had many accomplishments in his lifetime, from church to business to civil society. He made a good name for himself, and his children and grandchildren are the beneficiaries of that even to this day. But do you know what he said was his greatest achievement in life? After more than fifty years of marriage, he wrote that “My marriage to Victoria is the high point of my life.” Think about that. He went on to write that “It has been good for me to be her husband, and wonderful to be father of her children. Dear has been a marvelous wife to me. She enabled me to live out my Christian witness in ways I had not expected. She supported me in every good work, and this boosted my confidence to take on challenges.”

Felix and Aneka, will your marriage—not your wedding!—be the high point of your life?

Will your wife be able to say it’s been good to be your wife and wonderful to be mother of your children?

Will your husband be able to say it’s been good to be your husband and wonderful to be father of your children?

Will you enable each other to live out your Christian faith according to God’s exceedingly great plans for your life?

This is my prayer for you, to the glory of God. Amen.